SurvivARRRRRRRRGH

So, it's Thursday Night and that means that Mark Burnett's newest game show is premiering. Pirate Master is a reality game show in similar styles of other Burnett shows: Weekly outing, million dollar top prize, confessionals, drama, and obviously hand-picked awkward people who are doomed from the start. But more on Jon later.

I was excited, but nervous about a new show in which contestants actually worked crew on a ship. I mean, were they -really- going to sail a ship? The answer: Yes. Turns out they had all gone through training and therefore proved very capable crew members, hauling a huge ship to shore and weighing the anchor. Crewmates climbed netting to let down sails, and no safety net either, as the numerous helicopter camera shots proved to us.

The story was pretty lame, but then again I don't think Mr. Burnett has ever had to make one before. Something about a chest from some dead pirate who had a large booty (heh heh, booty) and split it amongst him and his 13 crew members (14 treasure chests to find...16 contestants....yeah that sounds about right). The crew has a big treasure chest with many cute little locked drawers and ugly fake barnacles. Each drawer has maps for the next treasure. Then they go about finding it.

This is where I'm not 100% sure of how the game will work. As this was the first week, they started off the treasure hunt split into two randomly selected groups, and they both had a compass and map. Then they set off down a river in a race. First component was to find a hanging skeleton, and get three keys to unlock the next map. The crew seemed stumped by the contraption, when along comes Jon.

A little back story on Jon. He was talking earlier during the "Yay we're here for a million dollars" beginning section and seemed incredibly out of place. While everyone else are bartenders, salesmen, military trained fire fighter, or a Rupert look-a-like; Jon is a scientist/exotic dancer (they never went into this) and overall awkward guy. So of course I sympathize with him. Damn you casting directors! Anyways, back to the challenge.

So, Jon takes the three keys and in about two seconds jiggles the lock open. Now the team moves further down river, well ahead of their competitors. They arrive at the sabotage, a chance to screw over the other crew, first and set of a net across the entire river. (I really hope these little sabotages are back every week, it was one of the sweetest parts of the episode.) Finally they make it to the part of the river the map indicated, but with no luck diving for treasure. It was supposed to be at the "gator's lair." Once again, Jon is on the case. Knowing that gators make lairs in mango trees (who the hell knows that?) he dives under a nearby one and low and behold, Jon's won it! Of course, Jon takes this as a sign of his superiority, and when you're usually ostracized from society, why wouldn't you?

Back on board the ship, the winning crew counts their claim, totaling forty grand. Then the resident host (some Australian or New Zealand-y guy) tells them to select a captain. After an awkward pause and an obvious "Duh, pick me guys" look from Jon, the crew picks Joe Don (or something, it's hard to remember names after one episode) to be captain. Well, all the crew but Jon does. Unfortunately this means big JD gets half the money. They he had to choose officers, going with pretty girl and unemployed 20s guy. They got five grand each while the underlings got stuck with only 2k. Immediate tension and senses of betrayal. Turns out the position of Captain is not the do-goody leader type, but of being effing spoiled, getting a private bedroom, some type of booze barrel, swanky jackets for both officers and captain, and finally, a cool hat.

As the day moves on we finally get to the goods, how to kick people off the boat. This show's term of choice is "set adrift" which seems piratey enough to work, and less hokey than "walk the plank" would've been. The selection process is interestingly similar to big brother style elimination (Big Brother 8 coming soon): The captain chooses three crew members to be given the black spot. They then are tried in "Pirate Court" (dun dun DUN) and have time to explain themselves. Finally, all the non-spotted crew members put in their votes for whom to knock out. HOWEVER! If every vote is for mutiny, including the two officers, then the captain is set adrift. I really hope someone gets the balls to do this at some point.

But, not this episode. Jon and two other crew members of little importance were spotted, and brought to court. Jon, sensing danger, took the ship's only two compasses hostage during his plea to remain on the boat. Then everyone took their cards (one per candidate, plus one for mutiny) and stabbed one on top of a dagger! A fucking DAGGER. No one pierced themselves, which was kind of a downer, but hopefully will occur within the duration of the series. Jon's loner attitude outweighed the threat of losing compasses (I'm 90% sure they'll get new ones) and he was set adrift. With his $2000 at least. I think. They didn't make it clear, but I'm pretty sure he gets to keep it.

Cool things about the show: finding treasure. This is always good, I loved Treasure Hunt...or whatever the Da Vinci Code show was called. Also, the crew splitting up the doubloons and get to have them during the show. They are free to do whatever they want with them, including bribes and such, which will prove exciting, I hope.

Final word: this seems doomed to only one season. I mean, it's airing in the summer, so I can't see it getting canned while competing against re-runs. But I think it will have Treasure Hunt's and Murder in Small Town X's problem of being too big to really make it repeat. Of course, it's less story driven then those two shows, so it has a better shot.

To conclude: YARRRRRR!